A Pasticcio Post

-By some astounding jump in competence by CUAC, the organization that books speakers and lectures on campus, Cindy Sheehan, the mother who lost her son in Iraq and has since become a national figure, spoke here in Oneonta last night. The last two major events CUAC has had have been appearances by, no joke, Mr. Belding and Urkel. To see CUAC be able to get Sheehan up to this tiny college is amazing. However not surprisingly, the Ballroom where this was held was only about 2/3 full; the event wasn't really advertised, and college students care more about destroying the Flood and Covenant than current events and politics. The speech is what you would likely expect, but it was still cool to be able to see someone in the national spotlight. I was hoping some hillbillies from the outskirts of Oneonta would show up to fight with her over her opposition to Bush, but no such luck.

-Does anyone know how one goes about getting a rag? I have to get all dressed up for my final in interviewing class, and my dress shoes need to be polished, but I don't have any rags to use to shine them up. I don't have many handy resources, and I think using a paper towel wouldn't do the trick. When I shined them at home, I used a rag from our basement. But where can I get a rag up here? Do people buy rags? Where do they come from? Do they just suddenly appear in your house one day? If you don't have any old dish towels or some other kind of cloth that you are retiring to a rag pile, how would you get one? This popped into my head yesterday and I can't think of a solution.

-I'm getting real sick and tired of the phrase, "What happens in _____, stays in _____." Overused. It's dead. Not even if you're referring to Vegas. It's no longer clever.

-Now I'm not a doctor, but I think Silva must look like the charred smoker guy from Beetlejuice inside his body. I've never seen anyone eat so much crap and still look relatively healthy in my life. The kids eats at the very least a bag of chips every day, plus all the other crap throughout the day; he never stop eating. Yesterday, in a time span of a few hours, I know he ate two Celeste pizzas, a saucepan of teriyaki noodles, BBQ chicken, a bag of chips, and a bunch of beers. Who knows what he eats the rest of his day. All I know is he is like a garbage disposal, but does not put on a single pound; he's built like Eric Foreman on "That 70s Show." Me and Gish were talking about this, and determined it would be better for him if he did put on weight, because then at least he would be aware his body hates him. I wouldn't be surprised if we were all just hanging out and he dropped dead from clogged arteries and fructose poisoning. He told me:

"Whatever, I'll eat whatever I want. What happens if I get hit by a car and die tomorrow? Then I spent my last days on earth eating healthy."

Then, most likely from the affects of the never-ending food parade, he began to get a little crazy and irrational:

"Who says salad is so healthy? No one knows what eating salad all the time will do to your body thirty years from now. All of a sudden people just start eating salad all the time. Fuck that shit."

- I had a dream I was in some room and Kelly Clarkson was walking around naked. I didn't realize she liked me so much.

So long. Farewell. Auf weidersehen. Good bye.

A Date Which Will Live in Infamy

December 7. A date we are all taught about at a very young age. We all know of this date to be of supreme importance to our country. However, this December 7th will have a more profound impact, more life-altering consequences than Japanese ever imagined when they bombed Pearl Harbor.

December 7th, 2005. Taco Bell opens in Oneonta.

Now, I am a Taco Bell addict. I could eat there two times a day for the rest of my life. Where else could you get a full, satisfying meal for so cheap, one that is so stuffed with delicious Mexican tastes that sometimes I think if they one day passed a law saying only gay guys could eat Taco Bell, I would become "fabulous" just to partake?

That last sentence was all over the place. I'll give you a minute to gather your thoughts.

I'm sorry. But the thought of soon being able to indulge in crunchy tacos, chicken quesedillas, and the sultan of flavor, the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, whenever I feel like it makes me crazy. See? I did it again. But the fact is that Taco Bell was the last remaining piece of the fast food puzzle missing from Oneonta. And when you think of it, it is quite absurd to imagine that a town with TWO colleges could be sans T-Bell. Taco Bell is like the staple food of all peoples 18 - 26 years old.


Now right about now, you might be thinking I have a sick obsession with this fast food establishment. And up until a few days ago, I would have agreed with you: I never really met anyone outside of my circle of friends who loved Taco Bell so much; I mean, me and Silva drove nearly sixty miles round trip simply for some cheap Mexican food.

But you would be wrong. The buzz surrounding the opening of this place is amazing. Throughout campus, everyone not only is everyone anxiously anticipating the grand opening, but everyone knows the exact date. For a campus that really doesn't get all that involved in too many things going on around campus or in town (other than drinking,) this is amazing. It means that everyone else is as excited about it as me.

Now, knowing that a ton of kids must be awaiting the opening on both SUCO's and Hartwick's campuses (is there a plural for campus? Campi? No idea.), there are going to be lines out the ass there for about four days straight. Anyone who has gone to a Taco Bell around 1am on a weekend night knows that the drive-thru lines can build up quickly; you'll get ten, fifteen cars in line at some times. And knowing the build-up to this event is being anticipated like 5-year-olds on Christmas, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess they will run out of food on the first night/weekend (this actually is something I have encountered at a Taco Bell before.)

Kids are going to go apeshit for this place. Most oft he people I know, both the Bell obsessed and non-obsessed alike, will probably visit the restaurant within its first week. Everyone is so taco deprived that there is a craving rising in everyone. Hell, even I have only had it once in the last four months. You're going to think they are giving away 360s at this place, it'll be a zoo.

But now I know that on those late nights, when I'm drunk, tired, and pizza just will not do, I can head south of the border, get some Cheesy Gordita Crunches, and experience a moment of perfect contentment.


It will be like this opening day, I don't
doubt that for a second.

Slum Lord

I did not have a good Thanksgiving break. Nothing big, just the usual friends and family annoyances and arguments, but I really wanted a stress-free week. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. In fact, the time I spent at work and thoughts of coming back up to school were the best parts of the entire break.


Actually, I should clarify. I was looking forward to coming back up to school. That was until I got a call from Silva last night. He had come back a day early to work, and when he arrived in the apartment, he found that we had no heat. None. Somehow, our, to quote our landlord, "brand new" boiler broke and left the apartment ice cold. And considering it snowed a few inches since we left and we have experienced below normal temperatures the last few week, the place has been in a prolonged deep freeze. Silva ended up sleeping fully clothed in the fetal position with a number of blankets on him and a space heater blasting on his face.

You would think restoring a tenant's heat and hot water in late November would be a priority, but not for our landlord. When I got back in Oneonta, it was about 3pm, and unfortunately our heat was still broken. When I called the guy up, he said to me, "Yeah, I know, it's freezing there. I called my guy to come fix it, but he's not picking up his phone. I'll try to get him tomorrow. Later!"

I think this is honestly bordering on unlawful. If you can't get "your guy" to come fix our fucking heat for us in the winter in upstate New York, then get a new guy. Saying that it's the holiday weekend and he might just not want to do it is bullshit. I can guarantee that if it was the LANDLORD'S heat, it would be fixed immediately. Not only can't we really sleep here, but we can't bathe or cook, since we have no hot water to clean the dishes. It's an awful situation. Luckily, we got two space heaters for our rooms, and they're making it slightly more bearable, but it's still freezing in the hallway and living room, I'm guessing mid-30s.

So with a break that added extra stress, living in a meat locker, a paper due Thursday, and finals right around the corner, I am not looking forward to the next few weeks. I'm waking up extra early to run out to the coffee house down the street to warm up and get some work done in a peaceful, quiet atmosphere with an interior above freezing.

Love to Eat Turkey

Nothing much going on. Ate Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, have to work tonight, so I will miss out on the usual date.

Silva said he wants to put a little guest commentary on here about his experiences waiting in the rain for hours on end to get an XBox 360. I'm going to let him, so long as he doesn't talk about iPods. iPod iPod iPod, that's all that ever comes out of his mouth these days. YOU'RE BEHIND THE TIMES, JOHN, EVERYONE HAS ONE ALREADY.

Heading back up to school on Sunday.

Enjoy your Turkey Day.

Courvoisier and Cake

Gish is the baby of the group, and the last one of our circle of friends to turn 21. However, what this meant was that all the stops had to be pulled to celebrate.

As per Gish's request, we went to Applebee's for happy hour. I don't know why he specifically wanted to go there, but none of us were in a position to say no. Plus, they had half-priced appetizers at the time, so it wasn't all bad. We had the onion peels.

Anyway, before we got the party kicked off, a few of us pitched in a bought a bottle of Courvoisier for the party. We figured that it would a fun thing thing to do, we would never get the chance to party high class like that again, and its fun to feel like a rich black guy.

At first, the party seemed to be kind of a letdown; a bunch of people we invitied, and we were all sitting in the Elm Street kitchen, watching a few of the guys playing beer pong. We waited for awhile, decided we would get the party started regardless. We took the bottle of Courvoisier, walked into Swan's room, and put on the song which correponds to the liquor.

That's when things got crazy.

We were all a bit tipsy, and when we turned "Pass the Courvoisier" on, all of us got hyped, jumping up and down erratically. As soon as we broke the bottle open, and starting taking turns with it, about 45 people walked in the party; you would think it was planned. So now we were drinking high-class alcohol, jumping up and down to a rap song, with a crowd of people appearing and partying. If I didn't know any better I would have thought it was a liquor commerical.

After about ten minutes, the Courvoisier hit us all like a ton of bricks. Everyone who had some became kind of crazy and irrational; we were all just going completely insane. As I exited the bathroom, I see Gish covered in the cake baked for him, with Silva pouring beer all over his head. Being as drunk as I was, I just started throwing empty cups and beer cans at him. Supposedly, some random girl who was at the party picked up the cake and slammed it in Gish's face, causing there to be cake and frosting completely covering his room.

As we were getting ready to head out to the bars, Gish gives us all the "I'm gonna hook up with this bitch" glance, so we leave him for a fantastic night at the OST. We come to find out later the girl was sixteen years old.

So even though Gish didn't come out to the bars with us, and he committed a serious felony, we all had a blast.

As per custom, here are some of the highlights.

Paper Boy

The State Times, Oneonta's school paper, has a section every week containing interviews with WONY DJs. This is my interview.




Don't I look tough in the picture? I'm awesome.

That's a Crud Rock, It Belongs in Crud Town!

Crud Town being Oneonta.

Oneonta is Crud Town for the simple fact that weather patterns here make it nearly impossible for the human body to thrive. I have had a cold for about two weeks that decided to amp up the mucus early last week. I have had a runny nose and a sore throat for so long now, I forget what it's like to not wake up in the middle of the night coughing. I was carrying a bottle of Eckerd brand Chloraseptic around with me on campus the past few days, using it as a five to ten minute reprieve from the itchy fire which is laying waste to the back of my throat. This morning, I hocked up this gigantic, off-yellow colored phlegm ball into the bathroom sink, which swiftly slid in the drain like a slug. I'm going to the Health Center tomorrow; it's been too long to deal with this.

Now, speaking of weather patterns, my illness seemed to become supercharged at the same time when Oneonta was literally having one day with the highs in the 40s, and the next in the 70s, switching back and forth all week. This isn't supposed to happen in real life. Then, as final evidence of God's unhappiness with this town, we got a huge thunderstorm last night. Remember now, it's November. And they were forecasting snow to follow behind it. I'm surprised this town isn't just littered with bodies like the scene from Gone With the Wind, just hundreds of Confederate soldiers strewn across the landscape.

Other than that, my life has been pretty uneventful the last few days. Thanksgiving break is on the horizon, and I think everyone is a little preoccupied with just getting to that point so we can have an extended period of downtime at home. I'm just looking forward to having no responsibilities more than anything. I don't even care about being home too much; it will be nice to see my family and friends, but I enjoy just waking up at 11am, sitting around in the living room until whenever, and having a kitchen full of food at my disposal, without having to cook or prepare meals.

The monotony of schoolwork is putting me in a daze, where I'm just going with the motions without really thinking about it anymore.

Whatever. Do you care? Of course you don't. You come here to read funny stuff. Nothing above was funny. But, have faith. This Friday is Gish's 21st birthday, and we're all going to go all out to celebrate. No doubt there will be wacky shenanigans and pictures aplenty, so stay tuned until then.

For now, I have homework to attend to. Good day.

Additional Halloween/Christmas Pictures

Spooky Yuletide Cheer

I've never been a big Halloween guy; I just don't find much pleasure in spending a lot of time and energy into coming up with a costume to wear for one night. So this year, when everyone was planning what to wear to the big Elm Street party this Halloween, I was planning on resurrecting an old classic.

Saturday afternoon, a few hours before the party was starting, we all headed down to the Salvation Army to get Silva a cheap suit to dress up as Borat of Ali G. fame. As we were searching the endless racks in a place with 70s colored walls and terrible lighting, Gish finds a really gay looking cardigan sweater with football players on it, and topped off with a football shaped button. As he was (yes, its true) trying it on, Matt pulls out a tacky sweater with snowflakes all over it. Within a matter of seconds, we all find these yuppy sweaters, the kind you would see on people in 80s skiing movies. Someone passingly joked we should all wear them for Halloween.

As we started to collectively brainstorm, we all decided we would dress up in decked out in Christmas gear and play Christmas songs all night. On a whim, we went to Wal-Mart to see if they had Santa hats we could all wear to combine us as an ensemble, and some mini candy canes to give out to people during the night. By some astounding chance, they had all these items. They're really trying to start Christmas around mid-July now. I was at the big mall in Albany a few weeks ago, and Macy's already had those gigantic bows and wreaths everywhere.

But I digress. We get a bunch of Christmas songs together, got a wreath with lights on it, and had what basically amounted to a Christmas party. Now everyone one else was dressed up in the usual garb; witch, cowgirl, some S&M black lingerie angel, and so on. Luckily, everyone was feeling the Christmas motif. We were all going around throwing fake snow around, giving out candy canes to people, and had the entire party joining us in singing the carols. It was awesome. A bunch of kids tried to come in as Reservoir Dogs and act cool, but no one cared, we completely overshadowed any and all costumes there (except for the S&M angel). Nick also made a rare appearance, dressed as Stewie Griffin. And of course, since Nick was there, it meant I had to hit him over the head with a chair. Multiple times. We eventually destroyed the chair from slamming it on his head so much.

Then, out of nowhere, everyone starts fighting. Not real fighting, just play wrestling. Silva and Gish start going at it like two brown bears, with no finesse or style, just trying to throw each other down by the shoulders. After Gish got Silva in a headlock, someone egged me on to wrestle him. I really didn't want to, as Gish is 17x more in shape than me, and I was pretty drunk at that point. But I listened to peer pressure, and wrestled him. Big mistake. I was actually proud of myself, as I was able to use my wrestling techniques of old, and get Gish down and on his back without him killing me with his Abercrombie muscles. After I got up, I noticed I had a hole in my good khakis, which we all wore to complete our outfits. Then Little splotches of red began appearing on my pants leg. I ignored them at first, but then Kristin said they were getting bigger and rolled my pant leg up. I had blood covering my entire leg, with it running down into my sock. Turns out I landed my knee onto a bottlecap, which ripped my pants and cut me. It didn't hurt, but I ruined my pants, which got me down for a little while, but I eventually bounced back.

Then we ended up at the OST for the remainder of the night, singing with all the sexy nurses and Ninja Turtles.

All in all, an amazing Halloween. Considering we came up with the idea and executed it well in about 4 hours.

I'm proud that we came up with something pretty original, and not one of these "We'll all dress up as scumbag lawyers" or other such retarded ideas.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Post about Halloween (complete with pictures!) coming soon.

It was crazy.