The New Fashion Disaster of Fall 2005

Whenever I walk around on the Oneonta campus, usually every girl looks exactly alike, with a about two or three fashion variations between them: there's the sporty-looking, hyperactive soccer chick, which most likely is a dyke; there's the slut wearing some retarded Abercrombie shirt saying something like, "Sorority Ski Lodge - You Can Plow Into Us Anytime!" and wearing terrycloth sweatpants with sandals; or the girls who don't fit in with those other girls so they just wear big baggy Oneonta State hooded sweatshirts all the time.

But on my return to campus, I began to see a new trend that has so horrified and disgusted me that it has made me question yet again why I didn't just commit suicide right out of high school and avoid racking up so much student loan debt.

That new trend is - the coif.

Before anyone questions how I know this gay, slutty girl fashion lingo, let me say in my defense I was told by a group of girls what it was called. I had taken to calling it a pompadour, because it reminds me so much of how Vince McMahon wears his hair.

Basically, a coif (quaff), is when a girl takes all her hair and pulls it into one big line down the middle of her head. It's a really, really, REALLY stupid look. Honestly, every time a girl walks by me with this hair style, I hear in my head someone in a raspy, strained voice screaming, "YOU'RE FIRED!"

Also, and possibly even more annoying, is what usually complements this hair style. That would be the thing that makes people's "style" go from dumb-looking to ignorant; and that is the prevalence of gigantic sunglasses.

These things are without question the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in my life. Snap bracelets are better than these things. On every girl who wears them, the lenses go from the middle of their forehead all the way down to about the middle of their noses. They occupy about 60% of the surface area of the face. Plus, they have this really ugly 70s faded color in the lens, usually brown, the most despised of all colors. I think part of the allure of them is that they are a lot like the glasses people wore in the 70s, but what all of you don't remember is that the 70s was by far the most depressing, dirty, inhospitable decade of the 20th century. Just watch any movie taking place in the 70s--everyone is all fucked up on drugs, no one is happy, everyone looks like an asshole, and all the appliances were either baby puke green or baby shit yellow.

But that's besides the point. The point is that you have thousands of girls across the country suddenly taking up a look at is putting them in danger. I'm soon going to crack and just bite one of these girls in the face. I can't stand it. It really is dumb. Why do you think it's attractive? It's not; you just end up looking like a big fucking retard.

The coif and the glasses are bad enough on their own, but combined create a force so terrible one struggles to even comprehend the damage it is doing to people's lives.

If you have or have thought of dressing in such a manner, this is your wake-up call; DON'T DO IT. You really just end up looking like a dick who literally will just blindly follow any trend just because you saw a bunch of people doing it. Plus, if any pictures are taken of you looking like that, you are going to be really embarrassed in about two years.

Do everyone a favor--cut the bullshit. End the sunglasses/coif combo now.



Does anything really need to be said?
What a fucking jerk.