The Alley

When I was deciding where to live last January, I took into account a variety of categories: rent price, distance to bus stop, proximity to downtown, parking, etc. The apartment I am currently living in successfully filled all the different necessities I was looking for.

However, there were a few unforeseen problems; one in particular dealing with the apartment's location. When I was thinking about renting this place, I was imagining how nice it would be to have a place so close to downtown: no more need for a designated driver, easy access to all the stores and restaurants on Main Street, and how convenient it would be to stumble 40 ft. on a Saturday night and be home. What I didn't think of was how often students in Oneonta go out and have wild nights. Which would be every night.

Every night of the week, around 2am, the bars close downtown, and the future of our country hits the streets of downtown Oneonta, screaming at the top of their lungs for absolutely no reason. You usually hear someone scream, then, as if to answer a primitive war cry, their friend match the scream with an even louder scream. This goes on all night. And the weekends are worse; people start getting "screaming drunk" around 11pm, and it continues almost until dawn.

Now, the apartment is situated a few feet from the central intersection of downtown Oneonta. There is an alley between the building I live in and the building on the corner. And, being in a high traffic area, this alley is frequented by drunk kids on the weekend. For what you may ask? Well, as any self-respecting college student knows, a dark alley in the middle of a downtown area is the perfect place to answer the call of nature.


I've done my fair share of public urination. I've also known many people who have been ticketed by the police for this offense; it is one of the biggest moneymakers for the cops in Oneonta. But the sheer number of people who use this alley as a place to release a golden shower amazes me: nearly ten people a night on average make this place their toilet. I've actually heard some interesting comments while people were letting it flow: guys talking about getting a chick's phone number, a girl crying about how she lost $50, even someone who said, and I quote, "Man, this is the best alley to piss in in Oneonta." I also have looked out my bedroom window to see girls completely pantsless, squatting down, and peeing in this alley like it was no big deal. I am shocked to realize how many girls actually pee in public; I was under the impression that the logistics of female anatomy made it difficult to pee in public.

Having this ritual go on under my bedroom window every night for the last month began to turn the wheels in my head. I had noticed that most people, when they went to pee, would ask a pal to act as a lookout for any police driving by, since they are very eager to write tickets. This gave me a great idea.

I went into the closet and dusted off a friend that gave me hours and hours of entertainment during my high school years: the megaphone. Not only does the megaphone let your voice blast out at 100 decibels, but it also has a siren on it, one that sounds eerily similar to a police siren.

The plan is for Silva to hang his video camera out the window, and when we hear the sound of liquid hitting pavement, I hit the siren on the megaphone, causing this person to panic, not be able to stop the flow, have to pull up their pants mid-stream, and run for their lives. This will be so effective because we are on the top floor of the building, and it is impossible to see into the windows on our floor from the alley. Besides, most people will be so drunk they won't be thinking and will just run out of pure instinct. We're planning on filming this stuff and putting it on the computer. So, once we get enough footage, you'll be able to find a link to it here.

Unfortunately, it is raining tonight, so I don't think we'll be getting many visitors to the alley. But I can't wait for this weekend. The camera and megaphone are waiting near the windows, ready to see guys piss all over themselves, and girls fall down from trying to run away with their pants around their ankles.



Right beside each row of garbage cans, that's everyone's favorite places to go.