Thanksgiving 2004

Thanksgiving is here; everyone is eating turkey, drinking apple cider, watching football.

But is your Thanksgiving respectable?

More specifically, is your stuffing up to snuff?

For the last year or so, I've been trying to find out how people make their stuffing: in the bird or out of the bird.

If you answer 'in the bird', you haven't truly celebrated Thanksgiving. Who makes stuffing in the bird? It's a ridiculous concept. If you put all the stuffing stuff in there, its going to soak up all the turkey insides juices. You scrape it out of the ass of the turkey, and what you have is turkey-flavored oatmeal; all slimy and wet, full of giblet secretions.

Now out of the bird, that's living luxurious on Thanksgiving Day. You don't have to worry about any of those logistics with that asinine in-bird business. Put it in a pan, heat it up, serve delicious. I have never had in-the-bird stuffing that was good. It's gross. I think people who don't know what they're doing just shove it in there because they've seen it done like that on TV.

I think in-the-birders usually go for the Stove Top stuffing, too. Do you have no pride? Why not just go eat out? Don't embarrass yourselves by making a pretend ass meal. If the cooking doesn't start by 11am, you're not doing Thanksgiving right.

So if you are reading this, and you believe you deserve better than ass bird stuffing, remember you have a choice. Christmas is coming up soon. Take a stand then. If you don't do a kind of Thanksgiving-redux, if you switch it up and go for ham or something like that, write your loved ones a note for next year:

Out of the bird, or go to hell.


Wrong, wrong, wrong,wrong, wrong.