Anatomy of a Deusche Bag

I'm sure you have seen this guy walking around your hometown/yacht club/campus. This creature is one of the most vile, detestable, and annoying in the Northeast. To let you, the reader, better understand the workings of this aggravating specimen, I've given a breakdown of its prime characteristics so you can be aware of when you are encountering a deusche bag.

1. Hat logo - Now this can vary from deusche to deusche, but it usually is some sort of designer hat (Abercrombie, Aeropostale, etc.) or some college mascot that has a vulgar name, most frequently the Cocks. This is because the bag either a) trying to be as trendy as possible and bought a $30 baseball hat, or b) still thinks wiener jokes are funny.
2. Hat brim - For some unexplainable reason, the bag typically has a hat where the front cloth on the brim is frayed and deteriorating. Scientists have explored this phenomonea and still cannot find any explanation for it.
3. Hemp necklace - Most deusche bags wear some variation of hemp necklace. Styles vary from one containing seashells to decorative beads. The deusche bag wears this to show his SoCal, 'I'm-a-jock-but-also-a-little-but-of-a-stoner/surfer-dude' side.
4. Tiny sleeves - It is common to find your deusche bag in the wild wearing a T-shirt with sleeves extremely short, the maximum length illustrated by the red dotted line. This is because a deusche bag typically loves to talk/think about/look at its own muscles, and by wearing a shirt that complements this, it makes conversation more likely to turn to how strong they are, covering up the fact that they really have nothing of value to say anyway.
5. Tribal tattoo - The deusche bag as an organism is one that likes to follow trends, not realizing that in 5 - 10 years, current trends will be out of fashion and unpopular. The mark of the tribal wrap-around tattoo illustrates how the deusche falls for this, as the phase of tribal tattoos was a late-90s phase, and will look really gay in about 10 years. However, it is useful to others in spotting a deusche from far away, thereby allowing one to avoid any sort of contact.
6. Overpriced vintage shirts - As stated above, the deusche is a creature of trends, as their plethora of vintage shirts suggests. Most would find it ludicrous to buy a $45 shirt that is designed to look worn and made in 1985, but the deusche lacks this basic logic. They find it 'hip', as the kids say, to have an entire wardrobe consisting of shirts bearing the phrases 'Rockville Pumas Track 87-182', or 'King Hula's Naked Tiki Party'. This is either a clear indication of a deusche bag, or, if lacking any other D-bag signs, a warning that your friend/brother/roommate may be turning into one.
7. Cell phone clipped to waist - The deusche wants it to be known that he has so much going on in his life that to put their cell phone in their pocket would be a big waste of time. The deusche usually has a brand new cell phone, and most likely has NexTel, as deusches can be seen across the country using the walkie-talkie function, with the sound level all the way up, talking to their buddies about 'some bitch I fucked' or the 'guy I was going to kick the shit out of'.
8. $100 Cargo shorts - A staple of deusche bags everywhere. Be it rain, sleet, snow, typhoon, ice storm, or locust attack, these cargo shorts will be worn during most daylight hours. However, when the sun goes down, the deusche prefers a pair of expensive jeans, most likely made to look worn and vintage.
9. Sandals - Sandals are just as versatile a piece of deusche bag apparel as the cargo shorts. Some might say it's stupid to wear sandals in 20 degree weather, but, as we have learned, logic is not part of the deusche bag's brain function.

This concludes are summation of deusche bags and their primary characteristics. For more information on the deusche bag, check abercrombie.com.