Just Phoning It In

Free At Last

This is how you feel when you finish all your
finals for the semester.

...And You Know We Don't Give A Fuck If It's Your Birthday...

This is something that has bothered me for quite some time. I find it is much more prevalent in girls, but there are some guys who suffer this annoying disorder. I, of course, am talking about what the French call C'est mon anniversaire que j'ai besoin d'attention constante, or the Birthday/Attention Disorder.

This is when someone you know has their birthday coming up, and they demand that everyone they know make a big deal out of it. They need people to call, send them flowers, send them cards, carry them around on their shoulders so they don't have to walk, and so on.

Who cares about your birthday? So what. You have one every year. Why do you think you deserve preferential treatment because you popped out of a vagina on that day however many years ago? I mean, the stuff with family is permissible, like going out to dinner or something, but who the hell do you think you are they you expect your friends to lavish you with everything under the sun? My friends and I don't even know each other's birthdays. And even if we do, we don't care. No presents. No cards. No balloons, or cakes, or streamers. SOME of us go to work and do things we don't want to on our birthday, and actually treat it like it's any other day.

"It's your birthday. Good for you."

That's all you need. Why do you think you deserve nonstop praise? Give me a break.

The worst is when something doesn't go their way on their birthday? I've noticed this mostly in girls; they sit there, hysterically crying, saying, "And it's my BIRTHDAY!!!! Everything is supposed to go perfect on my birthday!!!! WAAAAAA!" I remember watching The Real World once, and it was when Sept. 11th happened, and it was the girl's birthday, and she has the fucking nerve to say, "Why does this have to happen on MY birthday?" Are you serious? What the hell is wrong with you. And sadly, I think if most people were put in this situation, they would react the same way.

Shut up. Are you three years old? Deal with it. Maybe if you were a rational human being, you could handle the slightest thing going wrong on 'your day.' Take off the stupid crown that says Birthday Girl. Nobody cares.

On a completely different subject, I don't think Gary Puckett and the Union Gap get nearly enough praise or airplay on classic rock stations.

The Best and Worst of 2004

I realized when I came up with the idea of this that it's hard for me to remember all the way back to January. I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't leave anything out.

5 Best Things About 2004

5. Yankees Didn't Win the World Series - It's such a good feeling to know that all these annoying, fake ass Yankee fans were once again denied the chance to yell "27 CHAMPIONSHIPS, BABY!!!! WOOOO!!!" Really, with they way they restructure every off-season, and the way they pillage teams like Norsemen, you should except nothing less. And, add to the fact that it was the Red Sox, you had so many Yankee fans left with only one thing to say: "Yeah, well, uh......26 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS, BABY!!!! WOOOO!!!"


4. Grilled Cheese Videos - Hopefully we will get them online sometime. These things were so fun to make, and it's awesome that everyone likes them. I just kind of find it weird that of all things to catch on, it would be movies about grilled cheeses. It just proves people will buy into anything.

3. Quizno's -They opened one up right near my house over the summer. I have probably spent about $300 dollars since then on the near-perfect Chicken Carbonara. I have never eaten a sandwich like this before. You just have to make sure they put it through twice. I sometimes get tempted to start a franchise of this place. I really think anywhere you put it. It would make so much money, like the Arab who owns this new one. For the rest of the summer, you couldn't go there between 12 and 2:30, the lines would seriously be out the door.

2. Metal Gear Solid 3 - I have waited three long years to find out who the Patriots are. And although I am not totally content with what I found out, I am still glad they came out with a game with such great gameplay, and the classic Metal Gear storyline. Throw in the mother of all boss battles, which I still defy someone to beat it in under an hour. I just don't believe it can be done. I love those games so much. It doesn't get any better.

1. The Establishment of "oan" - This has changed my life. Who knew some random babble between me and Jackobel on the way home from white water rafting would turn into what it has become. I can't even go home anymore without our insane dialect creeping up on me and just jumping out of my mouth whenever I speak to anyone. I tip my hat to you, Carl Johnsoan. Jeffersoan. Clintoan. Nixoan. Madisoan. Washingtoan. Lincoan. Wilsoan. Hamiltoan.

5 Worst Things About 2004

5. Working at Tuesday Morning - This place sucked so bad. I figured working near the place where the rest of my friends worked would make for a less boring day, the fact that it was 2 seconds from my house meant that I could get up for work 5 minutes before I had to get there, and besides, who goes to Tuesday Morning? There can't be that much to do, right? EEEEEENNNNNNHHHHH. Wrong. Try unloading 900 boxes at 8 in the morning when it is 80 degrees out, leaving work to go to math class, then coming back to open all the boxes at breakneck speed. Then have a boss breathing down your neck asking you when all the boxes will be opened and how she used to do the same job by herself in one day. Bullshit. Your niece is a lesbian. If you were so skilled at it, why did you hire ME to do it? You wander around the store all day, and you're going to ask me why I'm not done opening a pile of boxes literally 11 feet high that all came from India and are all wrapped in Styrofoam and have bugs in them that look like they're from Total Recall? Get the fuck out of here. How about I just stop showing up? Keep your big lesbo workforce. Get them up at 7 to sweat their fallopians off. I don't need you and your shitty pay.

4. Taking Intro to Business - Dr. Walsh, it is not possible for me to memorize every single paragraph in 350 pages worth of material. And thanks by the way for giving us quizzes every week. And thanks for having a 2 1/2 hour class that you give us no break because you'll 'let us out early'. Oh, and I really appreciate you giving us 6 possible essay questions with 2 going to be on the final and we have to do both? I really am happy I am wasting my time memorizing 4 essays that I won't even need. What kind of teacher are you? Who says straight off, "I make my tests intentionally hard,"? Why would you do that? What pleasure do you get out of it? If you know its hard, why leave it that way? Do you think we have nothing else going on in our lives than to recite the three great economists and the pros and cons of a sole proprietorship (ease of start-up, possible tax advantages, secrecy, but unlimited liability, lack of management skills, and lack of continuity)? Thanks for making this semester awful.

3. Dolphins Sucking for the First Time in my Life - The Dolphins have been good for as long as I have been alive. They have always been a decent/contender franchise. But thanks to Ricky Williams, tons of injuries, and lack of a quarterback, nick knack paddy-whack, they have only won two games this season. Isn't Florida allowed to have at least one good team?

2. Ashlee Simpson Somehow Becomes Famous - This makes me so mad. When I first show the show, I said to myself, "If this stupid, superficial, trying-too-hard dumbass becomes popular, it will prove to me once and for all people will suck up anything television throws at them." 3 million albums later, I now know people are 100% ruled by TV. First off, she acts like the gayest fucking person to ever live--her way of being a 'rebel' and 'outrageous' and 'wacky' consists of her making faces and doing voices. Don't believe me? Watch the damn show, but think about "Why do people think this girl is fun?" when you watch it. All she does: make goofy faces, talk about how punk she is, and sing so off key I actually laughed when I saw it. Come on, everyone, you know she can't sing for shit. Really. I mean, listen to her finished product; the tracks off her album even sound bad. State of the art technology could not make her into a better singer. You know who I blame this on? Her father. This guy must sit at Satan's left hand. He's her manager, the executive producer of her and her sister's show, et cetera et cetera. This guy is using his daughters as a pension plan. What an asshole. I bet if a sex tape with either one of them on it comes out, he'll be involved. Whore your daughters to the mass media all for some money. Fucking prick. Speaking of pricks....

1. Bush Wins - There's nothing left to say about this. I still get these waves of fear when I think about the fact he will be in office until I am 25. With this guy at the helm, I will have a lot worse things in my "Worst of..." in the years to come.

The World Makes Another Assassination Attempt on my Happiness

If this happens, I don't know what I will do:

Marlins meet with Las Vegas mayor

Seriously. This is fucked up.

It would be like if they got rid of the Hartford Whalers.

I will have a breakdown if it becomes reality. No joke. A breakdown.

Detrimental to Society Beach

I hate that so Laguna Beach so much. Its on right now. It inspired me to write this.

Have you ever seen it? It is the biggest piece of MTV, young-rich-kids-are-great masturbation I have ever seen. The basic premise is like 6 kids who live in Laguna Beach, CA. That's it. They just film these kids doing shit. But not realistic shit. The episode I'm watching now is about what these kids are doing on summer vacation.

What are they doing, you ask? Working jobs? Taking classes? No, no , no, that's really not hip. They sit on the beach. All day. The surf, and wear $500 sunglasses, skateboard, and drive around in thirty thousand dollar cars.
Right now they are sitting in a jacuzzi. All the girls and guys look alike. All of them have those gay trucker hats on, and gay clothes. It looks like an Abercrombie commercial. Like all giggling, and the guys acting 'silly' by making a stupid face, and tickling each other and shit. This one kid used rad, stoked, and amped, literally in one sentence. It makes me mad at the world.

This is not real life. They should show these kids working. No, lifeguarding is not a job. A real job, where you have to deal with the public all day long. All kids like this are lifeguards. I bet if you like this show, you were probably a lifeguard at some point.

The show has a lot of 'drama'. Please. Yeah, of course if you have everything, and do not have to work for anything, the only way you can occupy yourself is to magnify tiny fights with your friends into the four Horsemen of the apocalypse riding into town on horses with armor. Base an entire episode on some guy's girl like not talking to him for a few days, because he said that his friend liked her when he knew that the girl his friend liked didn't like him and liked his brother and then when his friend who liked the girl asked the girl who she liked and she said she didn't know and then Tracy heard that she was going to go to the dance with Alex and they already put a deposit down on a limo and didn't even ask Karyn if Ted had Sam's Jenny Mark Todd Brittany. That's all that this show is about.

They also have the gayest names in creation. WOW! You're names Talan!!! Like a hawk's talon but spelled different! Your name is Lo! What the fuck is that! You know their parents did so much cocaine in the 80s its not even funny.

And there are some girls I know (who will not be named because if someone found out they watched this show they'd have a scarlet letter sewed to their clothes and cast out of town), who follow it so much, they were saying things like "Can you believe Lando is taking the top guy spot of the group, and Chrissy is taking the head girl spot from Allison?"

Seriously, if you watch this show, you must hate your life. Its not even that they do interesting stuff, it's just typical petty infighting bullshit.

Read a book, or run a lap, or something. Anything other than this. Throw bleach in a friend's eyes. It will be less painful.


I hate all of you so much.

Hit the Nail on the Head

Auto response from silvamania (1:01:18 PM): I hate these kind of profiles....

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College Has Become So Monotonous

Finally finished our video project. Well received by the class. Big laughs for the sex scene and the drive-by.

Finally finished last Monday class schedule, and last Intro to Business class.

But I still have to take finals.

The next week and a half is going to be full of studying. I'll post when I can, probably when taking some time out to relax.

This page is getting stale with no updates. I don't want that to happen.

If you are bored, and it is between 8pm and midnight EST, go here to turn some guy's Christmas lights on and off on his house.

December 7th, 1941 - a date which
will live in infamy...

Busy editing and preparing for finals all weekend. Post if I can.

I want to be done with my Intro to Business final so bad I can't even describe. It's the 500-lb. gorilla on my back right now.

Focus On Doing Your Show, Lisa P.

Auto response from Fantom05 (2:01:34 PM): why cant anything EVER go smoothly?

WONY Request (2:01:34 PM): becasue you are dave abra,s. put THAt in your blog! :-

Shut up you whore.

The Missing Link(s)

Two things that made me laugh my ass off today:

Fuck Yeah!

and:

eBay bidding

Nobody would be this dumb, excpet for someone who's name was nascarfan82088

[thegaybook]

There is this website that apparently went under my radar, as I hadn't heard of it until the other day. It is called thefacebook, and it is without question one of the gayest things I have ever seen in my life.

I don't get what the point of it is supposed to be. People put their pictures up on this site, fill out where they go to school, where they went to school, and that's it. You can put extra profile stuff up, but not many do. But what is it for? It says to like find people from your school, meet new friends, blah blah blah. Who wants to see these people? I sure don't. Plus, what point does it serve? To look at them and go "Uhh, I HATED THEM!!!"?

It stills blows my mind. What is it for? Its gotten to a point where I've heard people talking about it in everyday conversation. But what is it? Fucking pictures of people you used to know? Big whoop. Get lives. Why would you put yourself on there? Pointless. I think what it is mainly for is to try and show off to people how cool you are now. 90% of them I have seen have some homo holding an alcoholic beverage in their hands. WOW! You drink???? You must be the first person to ever do that!!! You are so wild and fun!!!

But, and here's the caveat, you have to sign up to look at who is on there.

So wanting to see who fails at life, I signed up for it under a false name. Clever. I tired to put a screen shot of it up here but the damn site that hosts my pictures resized it, so its too small to see. Regardless, I decided to search for the people I thought would do a thing like this. No joke, all but one was on there.

Stop being so predictable.

The New Obsession

Over the break, I experienced something that I am glad I do not have constant access to, as I would never do any work ever again. This thing would be Donkey Konga.

The basic premise of the game is you take a controller shaped like two bongo drums and simply hit and clap to the beat of a song on the screen. There is a little microphone in the middle of the drums to pick up the claps, which eventually makes your hands numb as all hell. It sounds pretty childish, which it is. But it is as hard and infatuating as anything you will ever do in your life.

This game entered my life after playing it briefly at Circuit City on Friday. Joe Gibbs must have sneezed on Jackobel, because after Chris played it for little more than fifteen minutes, he ran home to see what he could sell to buy the game. He resurrected his dusty old Gamecube sitting alone in a random crawlspace, brushed it off, made sure it worked, then scrambled to the store to buy this spontaneous purchase.

All Friday night, two twenty-something college students sat on the floor and hit bongo drums to the tune of "Louie Louie". And loved every minute of it. Hell, even Kristin and Kathleen wanted to play.

Chris got back up to Geneseo, where all his housemates are now equally as obsessed. I can't get it out of my mind. Every song I hear now, I see red, yellow, and pink circles floating in front of me. I have an irrepressible desire to clap.

Play Donkey Konga to give your life meaning.



My new weapon of choice

Thanksgiving 2004

Thanksgiving is here; everyone is eating turkey, drinking apple cider, watching football.

But is your Thanksgiving respectable?

More specifically, is your stuffing up to snuff?

For the last year or so, I've been trying to find out how people make their stuffing: in the bird or out of the bird.

If you answer 'in the bird', you haven't truly celebrated Thanksgiving. Who makes stuffing in the bird? It's a ridiculous concept. If you put all the stuffing stuff in there, its going to soak up all the turkey insides juices. You scrape it out of the ass of the turkey, and what you have is turkey-flavored oatmeal; all slimy and wet, full of giblet secretions.

Now out of the bird, that's living luxurious on Thanksgiving Day. You don't have to worry about any of those logistics with that asinine in-bird business. Put it in a pan, heat it up, serve delicious. I have never had in-the-bird stuffing that was good. It's gross. I think people who don't know what they're doing just shove it in there because they've seen it done like that on TV.

I think in-the-birders usually go for the Stove Top stuffing, too. Do you have no pride? Why not just go eat out? Don't embarrass yourselves by making a pretend ass meal. If the cooking doesn't start by 11am, you're not doing Thanksgiving right.

So if you are reading this, and you believe you deserve better than ass bird stuffing, remember you have a choice. Christmas is coming up soon. Take a stand then. If you don't do a kind of Thanksgiving-redux, if you switch it up and go for ham or something like that, write your loved ones a note for next year:

Out of the bird, or go to hell.


Wrong, wrong, wrong,wrong, wrong.

The Id Is In Constant Control

Joe Gibbs has a spending problem. Joe works many hours each week, and makes a lot of money. But he couldn't keep that money in his pocket if someone had a gun to his head.

Since I have known Joe, he has always been a creature of impulses. As soon as he wants it, he needs to have it:

"Taco Bell? Need it right now!"
"The Sixth Sense on DVD? Need it right now!" (if you don't know the story behind this one, you're lucky)
"Bubblegum milkshake? Need it right now!"

And, of course, this behavior has continued during this Thanksgiving break.

Chris and I have been in a trance for the past month playing San Andreas. As per usual, a few nights ago, we did what we always do; sat in Joe's basement thinking of something we could do with our time. Joe, as always, wanted to play hockey on Xbox. Chris, as always, agreed. (ask Kristin, Liz, and Kathleen how much THAT goes on.) Myself not wanting to play hockey, went and got my PS2 and played GTA on another TV.

Joe started to get a tingle in his wallet.

As the night went on, phrases like "Oh baby food, that is an awesome game!" became more frequent. I finally let him play for a while, and he ran around for 20 minutes avoiding the cops. He had a distinct twinkle in his eye. A twinkle that means the economy is about to get a boost. As Chris and I left, we heard from downstairs, "Now what do I have that I can sell?"

In the car home, me and Chris made guesses on when Joe Gibbs would have a new PS2 and GTA in his hands. We agreed if not the next day, then on Black Friday.

Less then 15 hours later, we all found ourselves standing in line at GameStop, Joe with his broken PS2 and around 20 old games, waiting to trade them in. Joe surprisingly got $35 for a broken PlayStation, and $65 for all the games.

So Joe was thrilled when he rationalized that he got a new, skinny PS2 and GTA for only $100.

I have the theory that Joe is allergic to money. Maybe something in the ink. Everytime he gets a nice paycheck or has some extra cash saved up he has to spend it. And he has to spend it now. It doesn't matter what it is on. Every whim is fulfilled. Just ask him where his $40 lighter is, or how his $800 skis and boots are doing.

He gets so caught up in the moment. I personally don't think he'll ever beat GTA. He'll play it to the point where you can have all the vehicles and planes and everything, and he'll just run from the cops for hours.

And you don't even want to know the amount of lying that goes into a purchase like this. Let's just say Joe got caught in two lies in one day, all over this game. Liz was not a happy camper.

Was it all worth it? As Joe Gibbs would say:

"Whatever food, I got a tiny PlayStation jones!"

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

This is what I was talking about wayyyyyy before the election:

Diplomats: Iran Is Readying Nuke Processes

But hey, Islamic fundamentalists can have nuclear weapons, because that's not as important as letting homos marry, right?

At least we have our priorities straight.

7 Foot Tall Temper Tantrum

If anyone doesn't follow sports too much, let me just preface this post with two links:

NBA Suspends 4 Players for Brawl

Video of Pistons/Pacers Riot

OK, now that you're up to speed, I really don't care if a fan threw an anvil on the guy's head, you do not run into the stands and punch some milquetoast in the face for any reason. Period. SportsCenter was very vocal about making sure that the player's didn't look like the assholes here, as you can see from the video. They made sure everyone saw that fans were "starting" with the players. But who cares? That's why they have security in the stands, to get those people who get crazy. Hell, even John Rocker didn't run into the stands when Mets fans were throwing batteries at him. And all that got thrown here were plastic water bottles and popcorn. Plus, remember these people payed to go see these overpaid brats throw a ball into a hoop; they're paying your salary. I know it doesn't excuse the fan behavior, but the least you could do is brush it off. If that one guy just let the water bottle slide, all of the actions that transpired afterward would've been avoided.

This Ben Wallace guy is some asshole, huh? The foul wasn't that bad to begin with, and this huge monster of a man shoves some guy in the throat. I guess he doesn't have that much of an incentive to act civil on the court; he is only making $55,000 dollars a game.

And then the Pacers, you little bastards. Your teammate runs into the stands to take on a fan who looked like Where's Waldo, and you have to go back him up? I really think these guys look for an excuse to fight someone. Then there is a fan on the court, and he gets decked by not one, but TWO Pacers. I mean, you're humongous, tall, muscular guys. All you'd have to do is yell BOO in the fan's direction, and he'd run away screaming. Control yourselves.

I hope they all shold be suspended for the rest of the season without pay. Maybe they'll learn to appreciate their millions, and the next time they get hit with a water bottle, they can swallow their pride knowing you'll make more money starring in a single commercial then that fan will make in his lifetime.

UPDATE: Seems that NBA Commissioner David Stern reads this website, as Ron Artest was suspended WITHOUT PAY for the rest of the season, along with other players suspended for 30+ games. I said this is what they should do no more than 18 hours before they made the announcement. I guess I'm the invisible hand that controls the NBA.

59 Degrees

I have decided that fifty-nine degrees is the worst temperature ever.

When I return home for Thanksgiving break, it is supposed to be in the 59 degree mark for most of my break. And that pisses me off. And I'll tell you why.

59 degrees is right at that point where it is too warm to wear a long sleeve shirt or a jacket. BUT...at the same time, it is too cool to wear just a short sleeve shirt or shorts.

So, you end up with only a few choices: you either have to be uncomfortably warm, walk around shivering, or keep putting on and taking off a light jacket every twenty minutes or so. What a stupid way to go about your day; ripping off your coat, and then throwing it back on. People will think you have a chemical imbalance.

At least in Oneonta its been in the upper 30s, low 40s for the last few weeks. At least you know how to dress for the day. This warming trend reminds me of spring. And I hate spring so much.

I blame it all on this guy:

Bill Evans is one of the most cocky weathermen living today. If you ever tune into ABC 7 in the Tri-State area, you'll see this guy give the most snooty, half-assed forecast you've ever seen. I really remember one time him doing the weather, and you could see he didn't want to be there and didn't care. I couldn't believe it. This guy has to be making at least $100,000 a year to make guesses, and he couldn't even muster some enthusiasm on a broadcast in one of the largest markets in the nation.

And you know these weatherguys; to try and justify their jobs, they have to fuck with the atmosphere all the time. Floods, heatwaves, hail, all a part of the weatherman ploy to make money doing nothing. I mean, what does a weather balloon DO, anyway?

Holy shit, what am I doing with my life? I should be asleep, its two in the morning, and what am I doing? Typing complete and utter nonsense. Why do I waste my time like this?

I hate mild and damp weather.

Solid Snake Is Back

...with a vengeance, I might add. The game hasn't come out yet, but it got a 9.6 on IGN. You can't really do much better than that.

The Metal Gear Solid series is by far my favorite of any video game, as I have played the original so many times I can't even imagine.

Anyway, that's what I'll probably be doing for a little while.

I'm going home for Thanksgiving on Friday. Yes, Oneonta gives us nine days off, so eat my ass to anyone who goes to a "smarter" school. We are dumb, so we get more vacations.

I'll post something when I'm home. I have so much stuff going on the next two days, I doubt I'll have the time to write anything.

Holy crap how could you not get excited to play it
after looking at that???

David Abrams' Around the World

David Abrams.
Dave Abrams.
Abrams, David.
D. Abrams

There are many ways to spell it, but no matter how it is out together, the name David Abrams usually brings about feelings of pride and reverence. This is a natural reaction.

It all started, of course, with my grandfather, David Abrams. But what about all those other Dave Abrams in the world? Could they be as great?

I decided to find out for myself. Here are my findings.

1. One is a published author.
2. One David Abrams is the home theater consultant.
3. Another David Abrams rates movies online.
4. One is a critic that lives in Anchorage.
5. Another author.
6. Dave Abrams is also known to be a video game developer.
7. One is a professor at Brown University
8. David Abrams? Yeah, he's an undergrad at Vassar.
9. What's that sound? That might be Dave Abrams giving a tour through the rainforest.
10. We David Abramses can really connect with the inner workings of the universe, like my like-named brother does with his poetry.
11. Who is that SEXY, SEXY MAN?!?!?! That's none other than David Abrams himself, model extraordinaire!
12. Quick, we need Dr. David Abrams to do perform a life-threatening something-or-other!
    

Some Dave Abrams' aren't as amazing, like this one who runs a slipshod website. Or this one, who started a toy company (cool), but named his son MARTY (uncool).

I guess everything is not in a name.



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